Birthday Cake

Today I turn 35.  It's hitting me a bit harder than previous birthdays.  I find it shocking that I'm officially in my mid-30's.  I thought I'd be more...together by now.  I thought I'd be wiser, that I'd know more.

I feel like I should be having a mid-life crisis of some sort, but I'm planning on living to at least 100 which gives me 15 more years before I can officially buy a red sports car.  So I spent yesterday afternoon and early evening creating a vision board.  As I cut and glued, I thought about where I want my life to go.  I made birthday resolutions:  to get fit, to stop biting my nails (isn't that a teenage habit), to write more, to take more chances, to take better care of myself.  That's a big one.

When I look in the mirror, I see someone I don't really recognize.  The laugh lines around her eyes are starting to deepen.  The frown lines on her brow are more pronounced.  She has dark spots - as a result of pregnancy mask.  Her skin is no longer taut and her tan lines echo her favorite gardening tops.  Recently small lines have started to appear around her lips and no amount of $15 moisturizer is easing the advancement of age.  Her body is at it's heaviest - a result of age and babies.  Where once she could easily and gracefully hoist herself onto a kitchen counter to reach an upper shelf, now she grabs a step stool.

Pedicures and manicures are occasional treats.  A trip to the hair salon is an annual event and she thanks God that her gray is scarce.  Running after children substitutes for exercise. Each night, she walks around the house cleaning, organizing, preparing for the next day and falls into bed too tired to spend 25 minutes on a face mask.

Tooth whiteners expire in her bathroom drawers, waiting to be used.  Bra shopping isn't done at Victoria Secret's where the dressing room fills with lace and satin, but rather online with a tape measure and a prayer. Spur-of-the-moment dinners, drinks and movies are a hazy memory replaced by pizza parties, bounce houses and playdates.

I'm going to hang my vision board in my bedroom and look at it every day.  (Most especially at the lottery ticket in my "finances" corner.)  I'm blessed with a loving husband, two healthy, happy children, family that puts up with my mild cases of melodrama, friends who accept my nerdom with good humor, co-workers who laugh at my stories and readers who hold back the tides of blog stats insecurity.

I'm going to remind myself that I'm getting better with age.  (Fine wine and all that.)  I'm going to celebrate who and where I am now.

And I'm going to eat cake.