Mailing a Box of Balloons

All I wanted to do was mail a box of balloons.

When my friend Matt turned 40, I thought it would be fun, and a bit goofy, to send him a box of balloons, cupcakes, and party hats to help him celebrate. A party in a box, so to speak.

Keeping my fingers crossed that the balloons would still float up and out of the box upon delivery, I grabbed a large box the recycling pile at work and set out to ship them overnight.

I left on my lunch break to hit up first the grocery store to fill said balloons and then the post office.

I walked into the building, one hand clasping a bouquet of balloons fighting to be free and the other dragging a box nearly as tall as I am. I stood in line, cramming the balloons into the box, trying to make them stay down long enough to seal the lid.

One balloon popped.

Side note: If you ever want to truly startle a couple dozen people, pop a balloon in a government building the name of which is synonymous with work place shootings.

I finally got all the balloons in their proper place - save the lone casualty. I taped the box shut, slapped a mailing label with the words "do not use a knife to open this box" blocked out across the bottom, and continued my way to the front of the line.

The very long, very slow line.

Finally at the front, I lifted the box to the counter. The woman looked at the box and then at me. Suppressing the desire to tell her I life weights, I gave her a winning smile. "It's filled with balloons!"

She looked at me with the weary eyes of someone who's seen stranger things sent through the mail. Measuring and weighing the box, she said, "That'll be $68 and we can't guarantee overnight delivery."

My mouth dropped open. It's one thing to send a goofy box in the mail. It's quite another to spend over $60 for the privilege to do so. Besides, two days would result in flat balloons and stale cupcakes.

Side note: Everyone told me I couldn't mail cupcakes. I misunderstood them. I thought they meant the post office wouldn't LET you mail cupcakes. Apparently, they meant I shouldn't unless I want said cupcakes to be delivered smooshed.

"Do you know of any other postage service that will do overnight at 2:00 in the afternoon?"

"You might want to try Staples."

Thanking her, I made my way out to the car.

At Staples, the nice man assured me I was well within the deadline for their overnight service. He measured my box and suggested I go a wee bit smaller and cut the cost down into the goofy package range. I smiled and agreed.

"The only problem is that our postage machine isn't working at the moment. You'll have to go to the UPS store. But they'll help you out, no problem!"

I lugged my box back to my car and drove to the UPS store.

Side note: Did I ever mention I was stubborn? I was going to mail these friggin' balloons if it was the last thing I did.

At the UPS store I met a very nice woman who had recently relocated to our lovely area after a two year long distance relationship during which she lived in Boston and had mailed many an odd box. When I told her what I was doing, she grinned and said, "Let's see how cheap we can get this."

We got another box, said goodbye to three more balloons, and then taped the cupcakes to the bottom of the box. She assured me they'd be completely destroyed by the time they arrived but, "Smooshed cake still tastes great."

With a little pat on the box, I let it ship.

Matt got it the next day.

He said it was awesome.

And the cupcakes were smooshed beyond recognition.