"Colin."
"I'm sorry?" Annie glanced at the man seated next to her, his right hand resting on the gear shift, the left lazy on the steering wheel.
"My name's Colin."
"Oh."
"And I don't see why this isn't going to work," his hand smoothly slid the car into a lower gear as the road started to climb, twisting into the mountains.
"You're not what I was expecting."
"Neither are you," he said, a smile twitching his lips.
Annie paused for a moment, trying to decide whether or not to follow that train of thought. "Regardless, in this particular case, I think my expectations take precedent."
"Really," Colin glanced at her, his light colored eyes glinting in the darkness. "And what were those expectations?"
Annie knotted her fingers together, willing herself to stay still. "Mr. Neall," she began again.
"Colin."
"Colin," Annie sighed. Her tired mind tried to arrange her thoughts. "They won't stop."
"Neither will I."
"It's just," Annie chewed her bottom lip, trying to phrase what needed to be said. "You're not very..."
"I'm not very what?" Colin's voice was silky. Dangerous.
"Big," Annie burst out. "You're not very big."
A bark of surprised laughter made her jump. "I haven't had any complaints yet," he drawled.
Annie felt her face flush. "That's not what I meant," she mumbled. A rustle in the back seat made her stiffen. Twisting, she reached back, rubbing a fleece covered leg. "I'm not sure you can do the job."
"We'll talk about it later."
"I think we should talk about it now."
"Later," Colin bit out. Reacting to his tone, Annie turned to face him. The pale amber light of the dashboard lit the lean lines of his face. All traces of humor were gone. His jaw was set in a firm line, his eyes intent on something in the in the distance.
"What is it?" Annie whispered as he turned the headlights off, sending the car into darkness.
This is a little from my NaNoWriMo attempt. It's a bit of fiction using the Write on Edge prompt to write a dialogue that helps to define the relationship between two characters. So...what is the relationship between Colin and Annie?Any concrit is always greatly appreciated.
28 comments:
okay, I'm expecting a twist because of the tension, so I'm not exactly sure what they are to one another. that said? the dialogue is great. Spoken words aside, my favorite element is the quality of light, darkness with glitters and glints of light - adds to the mystery and tension and mood of the piece.
Nice suspense. That leg in the backseat. Uh-oh.
I want to know more! This seems ... sinister and I think she might be in danger. But I can't guess who Colin is - a body guard, maybe?
ooooh, I have no idea what they are to one another, but I LOVE it. They are almost dangerous and trying so hard. I really loved the dialouge, it flowed so well, I couldn't believe it ended when it did...I wanted MORE.
I like the use of light in this piece. I also like that she seems to have misconstrued him as someone unable to do...something...yet his actions seem to portray a subtle, sinewy strength, and confidence (like the way he "smoothly" shifts gears.) Nice job.
I really liked the mystery of this conversation. You did a great job of making me see these characters through their dialogue. Even though the prompt suggestion the dialogue should let us know the relationship between the characters, I liked NOT KNOWING in this instance...it makes my imagination fire up.
Ohmigosh. She's stolen a baby and he's helping her get away and is supposed to be a body guard. Do I win something? Hahahahah. OK, I'll admit I'm probably wrong, but I love the mystery and that everyone who reads this gets a chance to write their own story. Great dialogue!
What in the back seat? Or who?
I would love to read more when you're done with it!
no fair!!! leaving us hanging on a cliff. not nice!
Oooooh! I can't wait to see what happens next!
*shivers* This is quite ominous.
I like the way you've sustained the tension. You can feel it hovering throughout the dialogue.
You really catch me right at the end, when suddenly the earlier conversation becomes so irrelevent.
Very mysterious and ominous -great write!
Ooooh! Positively yummy! Really great dialogue. And that's what this was about, right?
I'm glad you enjoyed it! I reall like Colin. He's pretty funny. And loud in my head. :)
I don't usually write mysterious, but it's been fun.
That was what I was going for. I'm so glad it came through.
I'm so glad I was able to provoke a feeling! Sometimes I feel like I tell more than show.
Me either! I mean...yeah. It's great. ;)
Cliff hangers keep people coming back. :D
I hope it turns out as well on paper as it's playing in my head.
OOOOOH! That's GOOD!
I wasn't sure if this was a good conversation to use, but I really liked the darkness of it.
That was my attempt at "showing" instead of "telling".
I love it when people want more!!
Dum dum DUM! Actually, I have a lot more in my WIP, but I kind of like the way it played very mysteriously here.
I'm SO glad you liked it. Do you think it sparked? I'm really trying to get that damned spark back.
Mmm....a new character, two (maybe three...a fleece covered leg) from Mandy? Delightful. I'm glad you're rollin' with this! :>
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