Too Square to be Hip

When I looked into the mirror yesterday morning and saw a red eyed zombie staring back at me, my first reaction was, "Good God. Are you serious?" Following this exasperated utterance, I took out my contact lenses and went hunting for my glasses.

In hindsight - which is the only sight I have that's 20/20 - it would have better to have found the glasses before taking out the contacts.

Because without corrective lenses of some sort, I can't even read the big "E" at the top of the vision charts.

When I finally found my glasses, shoved in the back of a nightstand drawer, I blew the dust off them and perched them on my nose. A nose from which they promptly slid. Pushing them up with one finger, I looked around the room and tried to figure out why everything was still blurry. It dawned on me that I haven't updated my glasses in twelve years. And as I've gotten older, my vision has gotten worse.

I also realized that my Lisa Loeb circa 1994 inspired specs were so badly out of style, they were almost retro.

I opened my phone book and squinted at the pages until I found a place advertising same day service. Prescription in hand, I drove - yes, I know - to a nearby town where I set out to buy a new pair of glasses.

"Can I help you?" the assistant asked.

"I need to buy new glasses," I said, stating the obvious.

"Did you see these?" she asked, picking up frames bedazzled with DKNY.

"I'm hoping for something without rhinestones."

"Oh," she said, obviously disappointed. "How about these?"

"I'd prefer not to have animal print."

"It's very subtle."

"It's a turquoise and gold leopard print."

"So you want plain glasses," she looked at me through narrowed eyes, considering. "With your black nail polish, I would have thought you'd want a bit of..." she waved her hand.

"Nah. I'm pretty boring, polish not withstanding."

"Okay." She quickly snatched a few pairs off their display. "How about these?"

I put them on, each pair so similar it felt like I was getting an eye test. "Better or better?" Finally, I started looking at prices and felt my knees weaken.

I'm not a designer gal. I'm a Payless shopper, an Old Navy wearer, a Target sweater kind of woman. I'm not DKNY, Juicy, Chanel, or Vera Wang.

Unless it's the Vera line for Kohl's. That stuff rocks.

After a quick calculation to see if I had enough room on my credit card, I picked out a pair of Norma Kamali frames. They're plain, brown, and, the assistant assured me, look good. Plus they were reasonably priced. Unlike the hot pink and black Juicy Couture specs.

I googled Norma when I got home and discovered it's the line responsible for the 80's shoulder pad fad.

And parachute pants.

There's irony here somewhere.