Let's Improvise

This is a guest post I did for Taming Insanity a while back. I liked it so much, I decided to post it here. But seriously, you should go there too. She's pretty awesome.

And since I'm sending you out and about, go check Time Crafted's post from yesterday. She said some awfully sweet things about me. It made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

Every evening, I host a cooking show at 5:00 PST.  It's called Dinners with Mama Mandy.

I know, I know...exciting, right? You're probably wondering what network. And what type of show.

And also why you've never heard of me.

Yes, well, its local.

Very, very local.

With a very small target audience.

Of two.

I walk into the kitchen, wracking my brain to figure out what to make for dinner. And, as I stand staring blindly into the cupboard, a small hand grabs my pants and yanks.

I put Elizabeth in her high chair, turn on my best "cooking show" voice and prepare for lights...

camera...

action!

"Well, tonight, we're going to experiment with one of Rachel Ray's 30 Minute Meals!"

"Yogo."

"Nope. This recipe does not call for yogurt, but what it does call for is," I flip the pages theatrically. What? You don't think page flipping can be theatrical? You've obviously never seen me flip pages. "We're going to have...Tomato Minestrone Soup with Garlic Bread Croutons. How does that sound? Delicious, yes?"

"Now, first, we need...wait. We don't have prosciutto. Or pancetta. No worries! We'll improvise. Now...moving onward...let's see...we can skip most of the first step because we're going...vegetarian."

"Yogo?"

"No, baby. No yogurt." I pull the vegetables out of the fridge. "Let's chop these puppies up."

"MOMMY! You're not really putting puppies in my soup are you?!"

I turn to my second audience member who is sitting at the counter with his Star Wars Legos. "Don't worry, Joe. No puppies. Just worms."

"Ewwwww!!"

"After I chop up the vegetables --"

"I hate vegetables."

"Well, yes I know. But these are magic vegetables."

"No," my five-year-old replies emphatically, "they're not."

Damn. "How do you know?"

"That's what you said yesterday and nothing happened."

"Well...then, we'll just skip the vegetables. Hey baby? Could you please go grab a hat out of my bedroom?"

"Okay!" As he runs off, I lean toward my remaining audience member.

"Now...we're going to make the," I look around the corner and lower my voice to a whisper, "secret ingredient."

"Yogo?"

"No, honey. Not yogurt." Working quickly, I cram all the vegetables into the food processor. I'm able to chop them to the consistency of salsa before I hear the patter of little feet running down the hall. Raising my voice, I announce, "Now! We add this salsa to the olive oil and let it heat up." I turn to Joseph. "Thanks, baby." Plopping a baseball cap on my head, I continue cooking.

"Let's preheat the broiler for the garlic toast." I stare at my oven and try to remember if I've ever used the broiler. "On second thought, we don't really need the carbs. Now...do you see how the veg-er-salsa is cooking up nicely. Yuum! This is going to be delicious! You can really smell the aroma of the...salsa...as it cooks up.  Let's add the chicken broth." I look in my cupboard. "When preparing a soup, it's important to remember if you've used the last of the broth two days ago. Don't worry! We'll improvise!"

Grabbing a bag of pasta and a jar of sauce, I start a pot of water. "Let's get these noodles cooking!"

"Are we having pasta for dinner?"

"We sure are!"

"I thought we were having soup."

"We're improvising!" Behind me I hear the telltale sizzle of water on a hot stove and run to turn down the burner as foamy water cascades over the pot. "Yikes! Let this be a lesson...cooking on high is not a good idea. Remember that, kids. Now...lets add the sauce to the vege-um-salsa! See? It's starting to boil nicely. Now it's time to drain the pasta. A little toss, some parm and voila! Dinner is served!"

"Yogo?"

"No, baby, pasta."

"I wa yogo."

"Nope...pasta!" I dish a heaping bowl for Joseph, a small bowl for Elizabeth and then...

The camera fades on two happy children, consuming their pasta.  Just as the fade out is nearly complete...

Crash!

"I wa yogo!"

What do you think? Is syndication in the stars?