I've discovered something very interesting.
When one separates from her husband after almost a decade of marriage and two small children, one develops a divided life.
Three days a week, the kids go to Chad's house.
Three days a week, I find myself on my own.
The first few weeks were brutal. I rattled around the house, cleaning, painting, changing bedding, eating cereal for dinner and trying to figure out how I was going to survive being away from my babies. At my lowest moment, I found myself laying on Elizabeth's bed, looking at pictures and counting the minutes until I could call them to say good night.
It didn't take long for me to realize I can't do that for the next sixteen years. I decided to shift my perspective a little bit. Instead of thinking those three days were days that my babies were away from me, I started to think of it as three days I had to myself.
I started planning activities to keep me busy. I started saving my blogging for those three days, writing my posts in the peace and quiet of the house. I started to savor and enjoy my time alone.
And I developed a split life.
Four days a week, I do laundry, put away toys, have a perpetually messy living room. I serve pizza and tacos for dinners, help with homework, supervise baths, make sure that the kids' rooms are clean before bed. I kiss owies, wipe faces, make sure hands are washed. I go grocery shopping, make lunches and take out the trash. I do all the things a mom does.
Three days a week, I'm single and childless. I wine taste and go dancing. I go to the movies and meet friends for dinner. I sing karaoke, can and go to lunch. I cook spicy food, heavy on the veggies. I pour a glass of wine before sitting in front of the computer. I watch TV before 8:00 and listen to the music I like.
And there are people I've met who aren't a part of my four days and don't know me as a mother. They don't see me in my biggest role. To them, I'm just Mandy. I'm not "mom" or "keeper of the snacks". They've never heard me count to three or listen to me explain that nap time is not an option. They just see Mandy. A person I'm still discovering and finding.
But, as the transition between my two roles gets easier, sometimes I wonder...
Which life is reality?
12 comments:
I remember those feelings! suddenly I wasn't "Lar's wife" and "Steph & Allie's mom" ~~~ but it took a while to figure out who I was!! You are doing an amazing job in transforming yourself. It's hard work...
I think Mandy and "keeper of the snacks" are simply two sides of a complex and lovely woman. One I feel quite privileged to have gotten to know these last few months!
I'm right on the edge of this, as soon as the ruling is made in my court case. last wednesday there was no verdict given. I'm sure I'll be talking to you, and trying to wrap my brain around this exact scenario. Thanks for writing this.
Being a mom will always be your reality because you're never going to be able to make a decision and have your children NOT enter your mind. That's the blessing of motherhood - we always have SOMETHING to keep us grounded. However, now that you have some freedom from those not-so-pleasant tasks that come with motherhood, enjoy it! It sounds like you're really finding yourself again and liking it!
I think what's great is that you can ask the question. That you can see all the parts of yourself and explore them right now at your leisure, with the promise of being WHOLE at the end. I am so proud and a tiny bit envious of that kind of freedom...you can ask all the questions, what a phenomenal time in your life to find the answers. xo
I do feel like this is the perfect time to ask myself these questions and figure out who I am. I'm young enough to make some changes and old enough to appreciate what I have.
I'm liking me, which is something I really like. :)
But you're right...motherhood grounds me, keeps me from going off the deep end and, on days when things are really bad, makes me get my butt out of bed and live life.
Talk to me as much as you like, lady. If I know nothing else it's that without the support and love I've received, I wouldn't be nearly as far along as I am.
Likewise. :)
I feel like such a Gemini.
When you told me this was the year of reinvention, you weren't kidding!!
I am living this life, too. When I am not with my kids, I am thinking of things to do with my kids when I am with them. I am getting o know that OTHER part of myself, that part of myself that is not a mom. It's kind of scary, but I am getting used to it, too.
I am glad that you are seeing this as a finding yourself and a positive time FOR YOU! I am sure it's difficult but you seem to be handling it with strength and grace, and that's a positive thing for you and your children! xoxo
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