I'd hoped Joseph wouldn't notice that Chad had moved out.
That's kind of like hoping a kid won't notice if Santa forgot to bring the gift on his list.
To give me credit, it did take a week for the uncomfortable questions to begin...
"Why is Daddy staying at Gran's house every night?"
Finally, with Chad moving into his own place, I knew we had to have The Discussion.
I researched like a mad woman, search for every blog post, article and therapist suggestion I could find. I waited until Chad was over and then, we sat down and I said:
"Mommy and Daddy love you so much, you know that, right?"
"Duh."
"And we love Elizabeth too."
"I know that."
"Sometimes people need a little space."
"Is this because you guys fight?" Ouch.
"Yes. We think we'd all be happier if we had a little space, so Daddy is moving into Gran's guest house where you 'll be able to visit as often as you want."
"Is he going to come back and live with us again?"
"No." I didn't want to build false hope.
"What if you guys stop fighting?"
"Even when we stop fighting, Daddy is going to live in his own house and we'll live in our own house, but you'll get to see him whenever you want."
"Won't you be lonely, Daddy?"
"No," Chad replied. "Maggie will come over sometimes to keep me company and I'll eat dinner with Gran."
Joseph was quiet for a few minutes and then he said, "Does this mean I get two of every toy so I can keep some over at Daddy's house?"
"No," we said in unison.
"Nice try, baby," I added, kissing the top of his head.
It's been an adjustment for him. He's had a couple of melt downs, a few trys at the ol' manipulation game, and, even worse, sometimes he "acts" happy and chatty, covering up the sadness I can sense he feels.
That's when we talk. So far, he opens up to me.
With time and love and hugs and kisses, I think he's going to do just fine. I hope he's going to do just fine.
As for Miss Elizabeth...the bittersweet truth for my sweet angel is that she won't know any different. And that's okay.
You know, people keep telling me that children are resilient. I know that. I just never wanted my kids to have to be resilient.
22 comments:
I'm so sorry. If I can offer just a tiny bit of comfort, even though my situation was totally different...
My husband and I had to live separately for 7 months, because of jobs. And my daughter went through a very rough time (she had just turned 3 at the time)...my sweet, perfect girl started throwing tantrums and acting out. But it passed.
I know that it can't compare to what you and your family are going through because there was always an end point for us where we would be together again.
I think your doing everything right.
This just sounds impossibly difficult, all around.
Thank you for posting, though. For those of us who aren't in the perfect situation, and we don't know how things are going to turn out, it helps to know that people can be adults, and mature about things...and that kids can be resilient and honest.
That seems like the most perfect way you could have possibly told him. You and Chad are great parents for telling him so honestly, opening, and lovingly. I know it's not your ideal, but the fact that you're able to roll as best you can with it and make it the best situation it can be for your babies says a lot. And thank you for posting so others can see ways of handling similar situations.
I know how that feels, not wanting your children to have to be resilient. But life gets in the way and we just take what it throws at us and teach our children how to deal. I think you did a great job talking to Joseph about it. You have handled everything so maturely and honestly, and even if it's not ideal, your children will appreciate and learn from it.
I'm just sending all the hugs I can since I know that all of you are going to be ok...and you are a good, wonderful mom that is doing everything right in a really tough situation.
Xoxox
You and Chad love those little ones more than life and are making the best of an unbelievably difficult situation. I'm so very sorry that you even had to have that conversation, but you're teaching sweet Joseph and Elizabeth that families, wonderful families, come in all shapes and sizes. XO
I was wondering how Joseph would handle the separation... glad you posted - will share with John. I'm sure this is difficult for the entire family! just hang in there! you are a smart cookie & I know there are rainbows in your future!
It's NEVER going to be us, is it?!?? ...
oh Mandy this post seriously made me cry....I'm so sorry you are going through this and yes we have all probably told friends and family that have gone through this that they will get through it and children are resilient but we never think its going to be us.
I know I have comforted a few of my close friends on this before BUT I know you and Chad will handle and get through this perfectly to protect your children from being hurt too much. I can only imagine how difficult this has been for both of you but so far everything I have heard you blog about on your situation you have handled beautifully and Joseph's reaction proves it.
Love you my beautiful cousin!
Big hugs.
Kids really are resilient little buggers. My parents got divorced when I was two, so I don't remember anything other than my mom being a single mom. Honestly, the thought of my parents ever living together kind of freaks me out. It's super weird. The point of this ramble was that your kids will be just fine and dandy, honestly.
I'm so glad you said that. I keep hoping that this will all just fade and the new will be the normal.
Thanks.
Oh cuz...if only we always handled things perfectly. Sadly, no matter how hard we try, there is some bitterness that seeps over. I think there needs to be in order for us to truly part.
RIght. Never ever.
With sparkles, I hope.
We're trying...it's hard sometimes.
I just hope they don't end up in TOO much therapy.
I wish I could say I've handled EVERYTHING maturely. :P
I just hope that this part is over soon and the kids will adjust to a new normal.
Thank you.
The situation isn't perfect and we don't always act as maturely as we should, but when it comes to the kids, we do seem to be able to pull it together. I just hope it's enough.
My therapist told me that the kids will adjust faster than I will. That gives me some sense of hope. :)
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