Becoming a Zen Master

A friend suggested that I try meditation to help clear my mind and unclog my writer's block.

I said, "Sure! Sounds like a great idea. I'll try to get to it."

He said, very patiently, "There's a group that meets at the library at 9:00 on Sunday. Go."

So, I did.

I'm not usually so open to suggestion, but this guy is like Yoda. Not only does he radiate patience and peace, he practices mind control. I hope he never goes to the dark side.

I arrived at the community center a few minutes early.

I'll pause while you get over your shock of me arriving anywhere a few minutes early.

After finding the room, I walked in to see a circle of empty chairs. I sat down and then, at exactly 9:00, the room filled with people. They all took their seats, chatting amongst themselves until one woman said. "Let's begin."

The group chanted something along the lines of enlightenment. I didn't quite catch what was going on. Then, a chime sounded and they all went silent.

I looked around the room. Every person sat in their chair or on the floor in perfect stillness and silence.

Assuming we'd started meditating, I closed my eyes.

My mind filled with what I needed to get done.

The house to clean, the laundry needs to be washed and put away, grocery shopping, thank you notes, good God, has it been thirty minutes yet?

I resisted the urge to peek at my phone and continued to sit in silence.

I couldn't help but think of what had to happen for me to get out the door and come to the meditation.

Getting up early enough to feed the kids breakfast, get them dressed, take them to Tara's house, rush over to the community center.

Please tell me thirty minutes have passed.

I stretched my neck, trying not to make any noise in the silent room. Not a person rustled, not a throat was cleared, not a toe was tapped. It was totally silent.

I tried not to yawn. The kids had gotten up four times in the night, bouncing from their bed to mine and back again. I haven't been getting much sleep with their night time antics.

I really should go to bed earlier.

I opened one eye and glanced around the room. It was as if the room was filled with statues. I shifted and then closed my eye guiltily when the movement made a rustle explode into the silence.

I thought about my breathing.

I think I read somewhere that one should think of their breathing while meditating. In, out, in, out, in, out...holy carp. I need to stop before I start hyperventilating. I wonder if anyone has ever hyperventilated in meditation.

Has it been thirty minutes yet?

My head started to get heavy.

Really need to get to bed earlier. I'm so tired. I could fall asleep right here.

My mind drifted and then...I dozed off, sitting up.

Or, as I like to call it, I entered deep meditation.

God, I hope I didn't snore.

Or drool.