Sunday, May 15, 2011

Changing Times

A while back, I wrote about the Dark Side of Mandyland and how I choose to write about the positives in my life because there are so very many.

But I'm also someone who respects honesty and promised myself that I'd never be one of "those" bloggers. You know. The ones who pretend they have the perfect family, the perfect life, the perfect hair and the perfect clothes. And when imperfect things happen, it happens in a "oh that's so cute" way.

So I can't continue writing without letting my readers know that all is not well In Mandyland.

Chad and I are getting a divorce.

I know, right? Crazy.

Let me assure you it's not because of the Cupcake Debacle or the Mincemeat Pie Fiasco. Our reasons are deeply personal and while I hope to someday share them, we're not quite there yet. I will tell you, because I couldn't stand for you to think this of either of us, there was no cheating involved.

I believe in marriage. I believe in happily ever after. I believe in working through issues. I believe in for better or worse.

And so does Chad.

But sometimes, no matter how much you love one another, no matter how hard you work, it's not enough. Sometimes, in order to let your partner have a chance at happiness, you have to let them go.

It's been a difficult few weeks, made all the more difficult by the fact that neither of us are angry. Not really. I'd love to say I tossed his clothes on the lawn and lit them on fire.

Instead, I cried and watched Glee re-runs.

Chad retreated into basketball games and school.

We questioned our decision, spoke to a therapist, sought advice from people in similar situations. We went around and around until I was dizzy and he was exhausted.

Then, we made the hard choice. We decided that we would see this out together and move forward apart. This isn't a sudden decision. Although, like Chad said, it seems that way. We've had a very tumultuous few years and now, well, we hope to find some peace.

He's taken over one of the bedrooms as his own until we can figure out the finances and we've pledged to stay friends and co-parents.

Eventually, he'll move out.

Eventually, we'll both move on.

But we'll always be connected by the love we have for our children. That love is what's getting us through this. We know divorce can damage children and we've pledged not to let that happen to our beautiful loves. From what I've read, maintaining a friendship and open communication are key.

The kids don't know yet. After all, Chad will still be living at home for a while. We're working with a therapist to make the transition as smooth as possible.

When I asked Chad what his "Pie in the Sky" picture of our future was, he replied, "I want us both to find love again and live near each other. I want us to have Sunday brunch together and the kids to be absorbed into a larger family. I want us to do holidays and dinners together. I want us to be friends."

Maybe it is a sitcom ending to our relationship, but I'd like nothing better.

For the first time in nine years, I don't have a plan. I don't have a general idea of what the future holds. I don't have a partner to lean on. I don't know who I am.

And that's scary.

But I have to have hope. I have to see the bright side of this situation. I have to pray that in the end, when I look back on my life, I'll do so and see all the joy.

And this pain will be a faint memory.

So, forgive me, my friends, if Mandyland gets a little dark now and again in the coming months. Think of it as a storm and once it passes, there will be sunshine and rainbows and sparkly things once more.

It's funny how, with a single blog post, the whole situation is more...real.

56 comments:

Erin said...

It will all work out the way it's supposed to! Your commitment now lies to your kids and that's important!
I wish you nothing but an easy transition, and peace in your heart and the knowledge that you are doing everything right!
xoxo

CDG said...

Much love to you, Mandy. So much love.

AwayWeGoNancy said...

So sorry to hear this. I know it sounds so trite, but I am sending much love to you as well. I wish I could be there in person to help you right now. 

jessica said...

Oh Mandy, I am so proud of you for being able to post this. I know it took a lot of courage to be able to put this out into the world. I know you will find so much support. I am so sorry this is happening, I wish you all the happiness in the world and am here for you always.

Mamatrack said...

I'm so sorry to hear this. Wishing all of your family the best.

Jules said...

I am so sorry you are going through this.  It is wonderful that the two of you can be amicable while going through this, and hope that you remain friends.  

Taming Insanity said...

What a rough, tough thing you are doing. What was it a friend recently said? "Whenever God closes one door, he opens another. But sometimes the walk down the hall is hell." 

You'll get there. And the future brunches? Sound like a lot of fun. You'll get there. Much love.

Kir said...

I am so sorry about this, but I am also standing in awe of how much communication you both have, the love that you still have for one another shining through. I don't how mature I would have been about this, but once again you amaze me with your maturity. WOW.

I know that things will work out in the end for you, and until then I just want you to know that I sending all the love I can to you, for the days that hurt.
xox
 

MommaKiss said...

I'm sure this wasn't easy to share, but thank you for doing so. With such grace. Not to mention, storms happen. Sorry that you have to have made this decision, but hopefully it will be for the best. a little "related" story - my sister and her husband divorced and are better friends and parents now than when they were married. It is possible. Wish it for you.

macey said...

This was painful to read; I can only imagine how hard it was to write. Many hugs to you, friend. :( 

Mommy Crib Notes said...

Mandy, what a tough post to write, read and let go "live." There's something to be said for "coming clean" and letting people love you for who you are and help you get where you're going. I hope I'm one of those people for you Mandy!

d, the undomestic housewife said...

Aww.. Mandy.. This must have been difficult to write, and even more difficult to live through.  Hugs to you.. and don't worry about a little about darkness.. Dark days can be therapeutic and make the sunshine that much more beautiful! 

The Drama Mama said...

Hugs. Life isn't always rainbows and puppies, sunshine and smiles. Why should our blogs be? I wish you the world in your struggle. I have a feeling you'll come out of this better than you started.

Karyn O'Dell said...

 Even in this hard decision, it's so refreshing to read that you are able to separate for the good of both of you. It sounds like you both care enough about the other to want them to be happier. It'll be rough, but if you both want to have a good relationship and still be a family, well, you're doing a lot better than a lot of people out there.

mandyland said...

I'm trying to stay positive. Of course, there are a lot of days (and nights!) that I'm not quite so mature or positive. 

mandyland said...

Thank you. I hope so. 

mandyland said...

Thanks. Sunshine would be nice right about now.  

mandyland said...

You, my friend, are amazing. I'm so happy to have you in my corner. 

mandyland said...

Thank you. 

mandyland said...

I've been surrounding myself with "positive" and "peaceful" divorce stories. They're out there! Just not always easy to find. I hope we can have the same experience as your sister. 

mandyland said...

I was NOT mature three weeks ago. I was a sobbing, teen drama mess.

Thank you for all of your support. Your kind tweets and comments are like little bits of sunshine. 

mandyland said...

I think I'll embroider that on a pillow.

Except I suck at embroidery. Maybe I'll just order a t-shirt. 

mandyland said...

That's my hope too. As long as we keep the lines of communication open and really focus on our end game... 

mandyland said...

Thank you. 

mandyland said...

Thank you, dear friend. You have been, and continue to be, so supportive. 

mandyland said...

Not trite at all! Thank you. 

mandyland said...

And on the plus side, there's a book here. :) 

mandyland said...

I think it's easier when we have such a clear focus, you know? 

Sherri said...

Oh sweetie, I am so sorry. But not sorry in a way, since this seems to be the culmination of a long time that you've struggled. You are approaching this with maturity and compassion not only for the adults involved, but for the kids as well. You will get through this, and your honesty is refreshing.

Sending you a hug...

Morgan B. said...

 Oh Mandy, I am so sorry. I know what a thoughtful and caring person you are and that this decision came after much consideration. I'm always here if you need to talk. ((BIG hugs))

Elisa Teal said...

I love you Mandy...my prayers are with you

Trisha said...

Oh, wow. That was NOT my guess when you posted about disappearing under the covers. :-( Proud of your courage, Mandy! Keep fighting the good fight together. I know of plenty of couples who divorced but stayed friendly and raised children positively. Meanwhile, check out a friend of mine from high school going through a similar deal: http://yearwithout.net/ Blogger mommies gotta stick together, right?? *hugs*

mandyland said...

Bloggy Mommies ALWAYS stick together. I'll check out her blog and thanks for your words of encouragement. 

mandyland said...

Thanks, sweetie. 

mandyland said...

Thank you so much for the tweet chats. I appreciate them more than you know.  

mandyland said...

Fingers crossed that I can keep that maturity and compassion. :P 

Nmaha said...

I ve been reading your blog on and off for awhile ( I'm not so good at time management). It's so brave of you to be honest. I'll be thinking off you.

Karen @ Time Crafted said...

Now I get your Sand piece, the sadness inside it.  You've been on my mind a lot since I first saw your tearful tweet.  And while life isn't a heapful of sparkles and rainbows right now, you'll find your way back to the colorful.  I applaud your bravery in sharing and will continue to come back and visit you, through the Dark Side and into the Light.

maxine said...

Good job Mandy, I know that doesn't sound sensative, but you know your mother..;O) Our love is with both of you and the kids. hugs and kisses... 

naomidelatorre said...

I'm proud of you for having the strength to post this. You are an amazing person and there will be unicorns and sparkly things in your future again. Please know that you are loved by many. So many. I am here any time you need to talk. 

Lisa Zimmerman La Rosa said...

Hugs to you, Mandy.  You are a very strong woman to share all of this with us.  

Roopa Dave said...

Mandy....you are a very strong woman to share all of this with us. Your emotions and practical reasoning will help many couples to understand their marriages.

mandyland said...

Thanks, Roopa. 

mandyland said...

Thank you.  

mandyland said...

Well, I figured people would start to wonder if Chad suddenly disappeared. I mean, that's how rumors start. 

mandyland said...

xoxox 

mandyland said...

Yeah. The Sand piece was really hard, but still easy, to write. 

mandyland said...

Thank you. 

Christine E-E said...

Mandy - you are a beautiful, young mother - who loves her kids more than anything (well, except maybe a good book!!). The "Gingers" will keep you focused on this new path! Take your cue from them. Practice self-care! and most importantly, "surround yourself with positive people".... OXOXOXO

Yuliya said...

 As you probably noticed I've been MIA and maybe one of these days I will be as brave as you and blog about why...

This made me cry, you are such a beautiful human being and wonderful mom. I have all the confidence in the two of you to do right by your children.  I am so sorry this is the state of affairs at Mandyland and I send you many virtual hugs. 

Hang in there friend.

mandyland said...

Thanks, lady. Don't cry. We really are trying to look at the positives. 

mandyland said...

Thank you so much, Chris. You and JPE have been amazing resources. I appreciate you both more than I can say. 

Tim@sogeshirts said...

Sorry to hear this Mandy but it seems you and Chad are handling this so very maturely and have the best intentions of your children at heart. That truly shows what great character you have. 

mandyland said...

Thanks, Tim. We're trying. :)

Writejules said...

Still have a hole in my heart for you my friend. All will be well in time. It is better for the kids now rather than later. I admire you so much for writing about this.

Hugs,

Julie

Elena Sonnino said...

I am lucky because after several years of divorce and a lot of give and take, I have found a a very good place for my family--- that is inlcusive of my daughter, my ex-husband (her dad), and my new husband (her step dad). Birthdays are together, halloween is together.... it makes life better for her in every possible way. It sounds as if the two of you are committed to the long haul and keepings things positive....and what is best for your kids. It won't always be easy, but in the end, it is worth it.  hugs!