Henry looked up from his laptop and gestured for Todd to enter the office.
"I have no idea how you work in this place. It's a mess," Todd said, lowering himself into the faded chair facing the wide wooden desk.
"I like it." Henry leaned back in his chair, the ancient leather creaking.
Todd took a deep breath. "By the way, I wanted to say thanks for covering for me. I haven't had a chance to say anything before with Ellie here and all, but thanks."
Henry's jaw tightened as he stared at his childhood friend. "You didn't leave me much choice," he replied coolly.
"Well, you could have been a dick and told the truth."
"Really?" Henry drawled, picking up a river rock he used as a paperweight. He shifted it in his hand, feeling the smoothness against his palm. "And what's the truth?"
Todd's eyes darted away. "I was trapped on the other side of the river. You know that."
"I know you were over there. The question is...were you there looking for lost cattle or something else?" Henry watched as Todd shifted in his seat. He narrowed his eyes. "Your wife," he bit out, "was having your baby."
"I know," Todd groaned and dropped his head into his hands. "I feel awful I wasn't there."
"Then where the hell were you?"
"On the other side of the river!" Todd sat back up, running his hand through his hair.
"I looked up and down that river for hours," Henry's voice got softer, more dangerous. "looking for you." Taking a deep breath, he tossed the rock onto his desk. He watched it thump and roll to its side. "I thought you'd fallen in." He looked up at Todd. "Damn it. I thought you'd drowned!"
"I had no idea the storm was going to get that bad that fast. I rode back as soon as I could!"
"Sure," Henry said, anger creeping back into his voice. "You rode back smelling of booze and perfume."
"You don't understand."
"Tell me you didn't go see her."
"I'm not going to lie to you."
"But you'll lie to your wife?" Henry stood, agitated. He paced to the window and stared out. "What the hell do you think you're doing? You're married now!" Henry turned and looked at the man who was closer to him than a brother. "You're going to tell Carrie or I will."
"So that's what this is? An interrogation? Get me to confess?" Todd jumped to his feet. "Fine! I confess. I screwed Honey. Satisfied Father Henry?" he sneered.
"Not nearly."
He took a step closer to Henry. "It's none of your damn business."
"You made it my business when you went off and screwed Honey while your wife was having a baby on my ranch."
"Stay out of my marriage." Todd moved towards Henry.
"I'm not backing down on this. I lied for you. I lied to Ellie for you."
"You didn't lie. You didn't know for sure."
"I knew," Henry spat, "and I covered for you. But we're not in college anymore and Carrie's not some third quarter girlfriend." Henry felt the rage simmering. Tightening his hands into fists, he waited, hoping Todd would take a swing at him. He needed to hit something. He needed to hit someone. He couldn't forget the trusting look in Ellie's eyes. The way she believed the old lies. Todd's affair had spoiled something and he needed to make it right.
"Fine," Todd said. "I'll tell her."
Henry slowly loosened his fists as Todd stormed out the door.
This is a piece of fiction inspired by The Red Dress Club writing prompt: Someone has stolen something from you (or your character). Something of tremendous value. What will you do to get it back? Or will you give up?I thought I'd let you in on what took the men so long to get back to the house while Ellie was deliver a baby. If you're confused, this is part of a running series that can be found under Fictional Mandyland.
This is the first time I've written from a male perspective. I tried to remember how guys talk to each other in movies and then made Chad read it. He gave me his usual "It's good." Thank God for my writing partner, Ash.
So...did all those hours watching guy flicks pay off? In other words, concrit welcomed.
55 comments:
awesome. you did a great job writing from a male perspective, and what a vivid picture you give of the situation and surroundings! I can see the ranch and the river and the guys talking. :)
You nailed the dialogue. And thank you for answering the question of where the men were and how Honey fits in. You tied that up nicely while still leaving you more story to tell.
I'm wondering about this: "He couldn't forget the trusting look in Ellie's eyes. The way she believed the old lies. Todd's affair had spoiled something and he needed to make it right." ...I don't know if I'm feeling like its out of place here, since the scene was about Todd and Henry, if it makes Todd's role in Ellie and Henry's relationship too significant or if you're just a temptress, feeding us crumbs, making us beg for more.
Yeah, its hard to concrit the writing of someone you admire.
Is he really going to tell her? That's what I want to know.
oh it's great, awesome. You really have a way with dialouge. I wish I had it. Seriously.
yes, it's good, I like that it was a lie, that things are progressing, these characters are so interesting and flawed. I loved it.
Oh, Henry. I love when you're tough and moral.
I bet he and Will would get along like a house on fire.
Without having read the other pieces of this series, I can tell you that I"m already caught up in it! When I have more time, I'll have to go back and read the history of this story! I definitely think you captured the way guys interact with one another...and I found myself moved as I read this post. Really feeling for what Todd's wife may do if/when she finds out, loving that Henry is such a moral character!
Can't wait to read more!
I think Chad's "it's good" is perfect description of male dialogue and very high praise.
Awesome. I love it. What an ass. I felt the knife twist.
Love the dialogue. It was believable and advanced the storyline--told it, in fact.
Well done.
GASP! Oh no! How could he?? You are weaving such a great story here, between the childbirth and Honey's backstory and this!
As I was reading I was thinking about how great you were at writing from the male perspective so it was funny to me that you brought it up in your blurb. I love these characters (well I hate one of them right now) and how you have created such "real" world.
http://allbtwnthelines.wordpress.com
Ohhhh Mandy you are an amazing writer! You have so sucked me in and I can't wait for the next installment!!
You definitely got the dialog right. Although most men I know aren't so inquisitive. Women want to know what happened and won't stop until they get to the bottom of it. At least that's how my family is!
I have to say, last week was the first time I wrote from a male perspective and I loved it!! I think you did a great job. I'm glad his friend Henry believes in doing the right thing. I agree with Mama Track, Todd is an ass and I hope he gets his. ;).
Go Henry!! Todd is such an ass!!
I love this story...can't wait for more! (Oooh- and that Honey! So bad!)
I'm gonna have to go reread.
Good job on the male perspective here.
I'm likin' this storyline!
Thank you! It was tough getting into a man's mind. Funny...I thought it would be easier, but they're so weird.
I was wondering about that part too, but I wanted to somehow explain why Henry is taking this so personally. It's not just about lying to Carrie and covering for his friend. And it's not just that he's pissed about the cheating. But it's also made him do something he feels bad about.
I love your concrit. It pointed out a weak section that I should work on before this all becomes something more. *kisses*
I don't know. I don't really trust Todd. But Carrie's no fool. She'll figure out something's off.
Oh thank you!! They're very flawed. And for some reason, I have less respect for Todd than Honey. Honey, I get. Todd...not so much.
I'm tellin' ya! I'm seeing a Montana Anthology. And in the end, the four of them will go out for beers at the local bar, toasting love, life and ranches.
Or will that be you and I? Reality is getting a little blurry. :)
This is only my second week with the characters, and now I REALLY want to go back and read the rest!
I'd like to see a little of the body language or attitude when Todd says "I'm not going to lie to you." Is he sheepish or defiant?
I look forward to reading more!
I'm so glad it stood alone! I don't really want people to be too lost if they just wander over to it. I hope that you get time to read the rest. It's been a hoot to write.
LOL...He is a man of few words, my husband. It was high praise indeed.
Thank you. I figured I needed to let people know what's going on before they get totally lost. Writing a story this way is like showing slides of a vacation. You only get bits and pieces.
HA! This was my first time and I was totally floundering.
Thank you so much!!!
That was one of the parts that I struggled with. Do I get to the bottom of the situation the way I would or do I gloss over it the way most men would?
Todd's an interesting character. He's not a bad guy per se. He's just...not good.
In her defense, she's still in love with the jerk.
Thank you!!
Good point - especially with that line! I was seeing sheepish.
This WAS like watching a movie, the dialog flew smoothly and I could just see the scene. Well done!
The plot thickens! This was great and you handled the male characters really well. One thing— I think the booze/perfume line is a bit cliche. I would point to something a more interesting as a sign of the affair or just take it away. You don't need it.
I think this stretch of your piece really just made the whole story much stronger. This drew me in and I really didn't see this coming. I'm not male, but I think you captured the masculine viewpoint very well!
Noooo! Not Honey!! I mean yes! Oh, my. This really was fantastic, I read every word and literally stuck my lower lip out when I got to the end. I'm not going to lie, I'm glad it's Todd dippin' in the honey and not Henry.
'The way she believed the old lies." Makes me very nervous.
And I am curious about Henry's potential for violence.
And I want to kick Todd in the shins. Hard.
Wow, that was great. I haven't read any of the previous story but I'm running to read more. I have to find out more about Ellie and Honey!
Now that I am at a computer... THIS is freakin' brilliant! I mean, the good guy trying to stand by his friend even though he's being a total douche, coupled with the total douche.. and their thoughts, voices and words just captured by you perfectly..? Stunning! I have no concrit.. this was just too good.
I think that you did a great job of writing from the male perspective! You might have fleshed out how Henry knew a little more, but that might just be me.
Good job, Mandy! I like seeing this side of Henry.
Couple things to think about:
The dialogue was good. I wonder about "booze and perfume" sounding a little old-fashioned. I'm thinking he might have just come out and asked if he fucked Honey - using those words. Because guys are pretty coarse.
Also, why did you refer to it as "old lies" when he was thinking about Ellie's trusting eyes?
The line that rang the truest was the "dick" thing because Cheryl's right---guys are course. They would have said "fuck." At least Todd would have. Good ol' dreamy Henry probably would have a kinder way to say it.
I agree with the concrit about body language.
Oh, Mandy, this is so much fun to read. I'm totally invested in these characters.
First off...THANK you for the concrit. :)
The first couple of drafts had a couple f-bombs. I struggled with them, mostly because I couldn't tell if it sounded like I was trying too hard.
I think I probably should have left the "old lies" bit out. I was trying to refer to how Henry always covered for Todd's cheating, but you're not the first person to question it. I'm thinking it doesn't really jive with Henry's character.
Fantastic, Mama! And I love the constructive comments from your readers - you've got a great club here :)!
They're pretty awesome. ;)
Thank you! I'll try to be coarser the next time I write as a guy. :)
My first draft was about 300 words over the limit for that very reason.
Thank you so much!!!
I'm so glad you enjoyed meeting these characters. They've been a lot of fun. And I hope you enjoyed the rest of the story. There's a lot going on in their world!
You had the same reaction my mom had! I'm so glad that the characters read real enough to ellicit a shin kicking. Thank you so much for reading!!
I feel like I needed a "tie together" or "explanation" piece. The rest of the story is like a series of snapshots.
*cringe* In hindsight, totally agree that it was cliche. I probably should have thought of something more incriminating.
Thank you so much!
Oh wow!!!!! WOW! This was a twist I wasn't expecting at all! I love it! This story sure is heating up. I want the next installment!! Stat!
Sorry I'm like a year late, but just got to read this, so good and so fun to see where the story is taking the characters.
I read this when you first posted it and liked it. I'm re-reading it now at the same time as I'm reading all the rest of the posts in this story and I really like your character development. What I think is most impressive is the subtle way you've made Todd read as a guy with a lot of insecurities. Just the kind of psyche that might cheat. Cheating guys don't seem to be ubber confident, super macho guys in reality (contrary to many movie plots).
Love it. Ready to read more!
Maybe it is the way we each read it differently...i understood the lies part...Henry has been lieing for Todd for a very long time, maybe throughout their friendship and this time he had to lie to someone special to him, and that is what was tearing him up...the smelling of booze and perfume is an old cliche but still a standard, unless you say just smelling of perfume...cause if he was with honey and they were having sex he smelled of her perfume...just an old womans point of few.
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