Friday, March 4, 2011

The Storm - Part 1

I peered through the windshield, trying to see past the sheet of water pouring down the front of the car. We inched down the road as the wipers furiously crossed back and forth. Next to me, Carrie groaned, clutching her swollen stomach.

"Don't worry," I assured her, loosening one hand from the grip on the steering wheel to reach across and squeeze her arm. "We'll get there in time."

"They're coming four minutes apart," Carrie closed her eyes, trying to breathe deeply through a contraction. "Oh God!” she groaned. “I shouldn't have stayed at the house waiting for Todd to get back."

We reached the one-mile mark. I tensed as I came to the bridge. Even over the pounding of the rain, I could hear the roar of the creek. I stopped the car, searching the road ahead.

"Carrie? Hon? I need you to help me out here. Do you see the bridge?"

Carrie opened her eyes, leaning as far forward as her belly allowed. "Ellie," she whispered, "where is it?"

"Hold on." Getting out of the car I was instantly drenched. I thanked God and Henry that it was paved and not dirt like so many other ranch roads. Walking slowly forward, I came to the edge. The cheery creek had been replaced by a raging river. The rustic wooden bridge was no where in sight. I raced back to the car and got in. Trying to still my shaking hands, I carefully put it in reverse.

"What's happening?!"

"The bridge is gone." Think, Ellie, think. The bridge was gone. The phone lines were down. I looked at my cell phone resting on the dashboard.

No cell service.

"No," Carrie said firmly. "It's not gone. It can't be gone." She gripped my arm with strong fingers, "I'm having a baby. I need a hospital. I need a doctor. I need an epidural. And I. Need. Todd."

Taking a deep breath and throwing the car back into park, I grabbed both of Carrie's hands in mine and stared firmly into her watery blue eyes. "Henry and Todd are probably behind us on the road. They should have finished moving the cattle by now. They'll see the note. We'll probably meet them on the way back to the house."

"This is not in my birth plan!" she wailed.

"Well, one thing is for sure," I said, releasing her hands and starting the slow drive back to the house.

"What?" Carrie asked, clenching her teeth and trying to breath as another contraction ripped across her stomach.

"At least you'll finally have a name. How about Raine? It works for a boy or a girl."

"Oh God," she groaned. "I may be having a home birth, but I am not a hippy." She giggled at her words, the giggle turning into laughter. "I think I'm hysterical."

"You and me both."

I drove back to the ranch without seeing Henry's truck. I pulled as close as I could to the back porch.

“They’re not back yet,” said Carrie.

“I know.”

I jumped out of the car and ran around to her door. Opening it, I reached in and helped Carrie ease her body out. Standing in the rain, she bent in half, her short cap of dark hair plastered to her head. “Okay. That one came faster.” I held her arm as she leaned heavily on me. She moaned as she slowly climbed the four steps to the porch. Steadying her with one hand, I reached for the door.

“Ellie?”

I turned. Carrie stood frozen, staring at her feet. She raised her head, her wide eyes meeting mine in the dim light.

"My water just broke."


This piece of fiction was inspired by The Red Dress Club prompt: Water gives life. It also takes it away. You might recognize Carrie and Todd from last week's "ad". And, of course, if you want to read more about Henry and Ellie, you can check out their story here.

The prompt had a 600 word limit, which I blew past in the first half. I couldn't delete any more and maintain the story, so I decided to just split it. The question is...do I wait and post Part 2 next Friday and try to work that prompt in? Or do I post the rest of it over the weekend?

And, per usual, feel free to offer constructive criticism. And don't forget to preface so I can find a hand to hold.

91 comments:

CDG said...

Ellie and Henry *are* connected to Carrie and Todd! Yay!

and part two will be coming tomorrow?

please, Mandy?

Also, I kind of love that we're both writing Montana ranches.

Mrs. Jen B said...

Wow - what a great story! I can feel the tension and panic as I read it. Great way to interpret the prompt.

TamingInsanity said...

That's terrifying and exhilarating all at once. Love it.

Kelly G in ATX said...

AWESOME! I don't think there was anything else you could have done for this piece. You had me hooked right from the beginning and I got chill bumps at the part where the bridge was out. I was reminded of a time from my childhood when the creek by our house flooded like that. Scary stuff! And the ending was great, too. Good start, great finish. Don't pull a Mel Brooks and leave us with only Part 1!

tiarasandtrucks said...

Excellent job using tension to drive this piece along! I can't wait to read the rest of it :)

Jenn Dare Grant said...

I was clenching my teeth as I read this, the tension and anticipation you created. I am now going to catch up on these stories. Stopping by from trdc.

Yuliya said...

"This is not in my birth plan" makes me giggle furiously :)
Okay so Todd is the one that got away from Ellie right?
I actually think that when you write this as a novel this scene can be a lot longer ;) something about water and contractions...I hope she ends up finding solace in them..

Ash said...

Loved what you did for her water breaking. So good!! I think you should wait for the next prompt. A good challenge for you, because girlie, you make it seem oh so easy.

Terri Sonoda said...

Excellent story. And yes, I will be headed over to read more about Henry and Ellie. Very scary scenario that no one wants to be caught in. Good stuff.

MiMi said...

Go ahead and post the rest of it. NOW, please. :)

Mad Woman behind the Blog said...

I'm with the other readers, I don't think you could have or should change the post in any way. I like where it ended, leaving us hanging.
And while I'm all for challenges, I'm hankerin' for more of their story NOW!
BTW, have i showered you w/ love lately? yeah, love me some of you and your writing. That is all.

Ilana @ Mommy Shorts said...

This had me hanging on EVERY WORD. I laughed at the hippie line. Such a great break from the tension. And I can't wait to read what happens next. Do we get to read what happens next???

naomidelatorre said...

I am DYING to know what happens next!! What a great job you did drawing us in and keeping us racing through to find out what happens. Except that I also wanted to savor every sentence because the whole thing is SO well-written! I love it when she says, "This is not in my birth plan!" That totally made me laugh out loud. You are an amazing storyteller, Mandy. What are you not good at? Seriously!

The JackB said...

You have done well-I need to know what happens.

Natalie@mommyofamonster said...

So fantastic! You cannot end it there...more! more! NOW!

shellthings said...

We need more of the story!

A home birth= my worst nightmare.

Jackie said...

Ugg!! I got interrupted part way through and had to start over again!
I love it! And I really like how you've broken it up into parts to deal with the word limit. Of course I can't wait to see what happens next.

Stacey said...

Love it! I can't wait to read Part II!!

Sonora said...

You are awesome! Your posts are one of my very favorites of the TRDC posts. This was great. So well written. I loved the part where she was saying she needed an epidural. That is what I would be saying. Can't wait to see what happens!

Renee said...

Yay! More Henry and Ellie, and a side of Todd and Carrie. Well, more than a side.
More more more!

mandyland said...

Thanks! I'm glad you're enjoying it.

mandyland said...

Thank you so much! That makes me feel all warm and fuzzy. :)

mandyland said...

Thank you!!

mandyland said...

Yeah...I love the IDEA but oh my God, if it had ever actually happened? Freak. Out.

mandyland said...

Thank you! I have the other half written. Just trying to decide when to post it...

mandyland said...

I'm learning that the "cliff hanger" is a good thing. :)

mandyland said...

Oh my God. Hon, I suck at a LOT of stuff. For instance...I can't remember my own phone number. I mix up names and faces. I can't follow a recipe to save my life. The list is literally endless. But I'm glad you enjoyed this. I'm having so much fun with these characters and I hope that they don't bore people before I finish with them. I'm trying to gauge when they jump the shark. lol

mandyland said...

Of course! I'm going to continue this story and see what happens next.

I laughed at the hippy thing too. Carrie is niggling at my mind and I'm trying to figure her out.

mandyland said...

Woman, you shower me with bloggy love all. the. time. :)

But thanks.

The original post was almost 2000 words and no matter how much I cut, I just couldn't do it in one. I kind of like that.

mandyland said...

LOL...I think I'll probably pop it up sometime this weekend. :)

mandyland said...

Thank you!!

mandyland said...

Oh wow. Um. No. It's not easy at all. You saw my what-I-thought-wasn't-a-rough draft.

Thank you for all of your help, partner. ;)

mandyland said...

Because, you know, it never works out the way you think. :)

No...Todd and Carrie were briefly introduced in last week's "ad". Todd and Henry were really good friends in high school and college. Todd moved to Vegas where he met Carrie but with the economy, lost his job. Henry offerred him a job up in Montana on his ranch. Which is actually a farm stay. Carrie is a trained chef who worked for the Bellagio, so it seemed like the perfect opportunity for them. They get to live on the ranch - about three miles from Henry and Ellie. Carrie cooks the fabulous meals for the guests and Todd helps Henry with the various "activities".

Wait. You didn't really want to know all that, did you.

mandyland said...

I'm so glad you enjoyed them. Thank you so much for reading AND commenting. :)

mandyland said...

Thank you!

mandyland said...

LOL...I'd NEVER do that. My poor OCD brain couldn't handle knowing there was a part one and no part two. :)

mandyland said...

Thank you!

mandyland said...

Thanks! I was hoping it would all come through.

mandyland said...

Well...after my third one, once I realized that you were writing a Sam and Will Montana thing, I started daydreaming about doing an anthology.

You know...when the big author (you) takes a newbie (me) under her wing and name. 'Cause I have no doubt that you'll be published well before me.

No pressure. Just relaying what the Universe is whispering.

Akagaoan Labirdie said...

This was great! Very entertaining and I can't wait to read more. So excited it said Part 1! Great job!

Ami said...

Love this piece! I enjoyed getting know the characters and the pacing was great. Looking forward to reading more!

Elaine A. said...

I freaked out a little when I read "the bridge is gone." Woah. Way to keep us captivated!!

Krystyn said...

Woah...pins and needles. To be continued...when is the next coming (Ps Have I mentioned that I can't comment on Disqus during the day...so wanted to say something earlier).

Stasha said...

More, more, more!

This is so well written! You sucked me in and now I need to know what happens next!

Maxine said...

Just a fyi, the ladies in the office love this story....it needs to be published. I have encouraged them to post a comment since they don't know you.

Sara said...

This is great! It combines crisis and humor and friendship all in one. Love it! :)

Jessica Anne said...

The bridge is gone! Ahhh! The tension in this is fantastic and to leave off where you did, perfect. Can't wait to read more!

Ratz said...

Somebody get them a got damned bridge!!! the height of tension that this post brings is nerve wrecking.... here i was thinking, thank god they reached home... and then BHAM! the water broke! i would have fainted had I been Ellie!

Varunner7 said...

I kind of had to laugh when she said it's not in the birth plan. I suspect she's going to be just fine :-)

leighann said...

I can't wait to read the rest of this!!
As always your writing has me hooked

Jennifer said...

I love Henry and Ellie, but I was glad to experience Ellie on her own to see her being strong, funny and kind.

Kelly said...

Awesome!! You really captured the panic of the moment of baby coming and quick decision making!

Can't wait to read more!

mandyland said...

I'm glad you enjoyed it!

mandyland said...

That's what I like about her. She's in her late 20's and is a strong woman who, while looking for love, is used to making her own decisions and playing it smart. Which is probably why she got into so much trouble in that blizzard. :)

mandyland said...

Oh! And just to let you know...your story sends chills down my spine. Probably because I've watched Collapse and a few other documentaries dealing with what-ifs.

mandyland said...

Thank you!

mandyland said...

Yeah...my writing style doesn't really go down the road of tragedy. Ususally. lol

mandyland said...

I actually called my hip, single LA sister and asked her what she would have done. She said, "Freak out." lol

mandyland said...

I was hoping it didn't play out like an episode of Bonanza. "The bridge is out, Pa!"

mandyland said...

I had to break the tension a little. I was getting stressed. lol Thank you so much for reading!

mandyland said...

Thanks, Mom. :)

mandyland said...

I'm so glad you enjoyed it!!

mandyland said...

LOL...me too! I sit and read all these posts, think of somewhat brilliant comments and then...can't reply. I think my IT people have it out for me.

I'm trying to decide whether or not to wait until next Friday or go a little earlier.

mandyland said...

I'm glad it hooked you!

mandyland said...

I'm really glad you enjoyed it. I love these characters and am so excited every week to add more to their story. :)

mandyland said...

Thank you! I have an awful time sticking with the word limits and in this particular post flew by it so fast, it HAD to be two parts.

Krystyn said...

Are you in love w Disqus? Is that why you keep it?

mandyland said...

I love that it allows me to reply directly to my comments and that it emails the person when I do. I can't tell you how many places that I've gone back to a week or so after commenting and saw that they'd replied.

I'm not sure what other options are out there and, honestly, except for the occassional twitch, it works out pretty well.

Do you know of another program that works with blogger?

Krystyn said...

Yeah..that's what I figured you would say.

I know there are others, but I'm not certain that they are any different in
terms of this.

Bummer our stupid work blocks them!!!


Best,
Krystyn


blog: Really, Are You Serious?
twitter: @SeriousKrystyn
facebook fan page

Karen @ Time Crafted said...

Oooo....Henry & Ellie have friends!! I enjoy your characters so much, it's fun to see them connect on their next adventure!

Thanks for your kind comments (your blog was how I found TRDC and got brave enough to write along & share this week for the first time, so I was tickled pink to see you stop by :>). I looked up the 'Lighthouse Tale' by Nikel Creek....thanks for expanding my repetoire and adding a little theme music to the cove's lovers! :>

Amanda not Mandy said...

Ha, As soon as I read the title I was thinking "ooh, what about a birth in the rain?' Okay it was a little darker than that, but this was great! I lvoe how you entwined the previous characters. I can't wait to read the second part!

mandyland said...

I'm so glad you enjoyed it!

At some point, I'll need to visit my Dark Side, but I'm not sure when...It's a very tiny dark side. It's actually more of a Gray Side.

mandyland said...

I am so glad you decided to link up! I loved your post, the twist at the end made me go back and re-read it again just to see how I could have been lulled into calm. :)

Nickel Creek is one of my all time fave bands. Total departure from my normal music, but perfect for camping, long drives and dinner with friends. They have one song, "The Fox" that I used to sing in fourth grade. Love that my kids get a kick out of it.

Keep on linking with TRDC. I love your writing and am so excited to read more. :)

Barbara said...

Wow! Just Wow!

So - I loved it. Especially the way you built the tension in the early part of the story, coming to the bruidge. You could feel the panic and as soon as your character asks about the bridge, you get that lovely touch of forboding. Well done!

I can see why you asked if my post was part of a series - what a fantastic idea. I love the idea of your character's story continuing over multiple posts...

Sherri said...

What a great way to bring water in twice: the storm and her water breaking! You took me there with the images, and I was scared for her...but excited too. Great job!

Cheryl said...

Ooh! It's just Part 1!

I laughed out loud at the line about it not being in the birth plan!

Also, I had an unplanned home birth, so if they need any pointers..

Really enjoyed this, Mandy!

From Tracie said...

This is just so perfect!!

When her friend said, "Raine" I giggled out loud!

Now I have to get all demanding with you.....part II now!!!!

mandyland said...

LOL...I think I'm going to see what next week's prompt is and try to incorporate it. :)

mandyland said...

Unplanned home birth?! Okay...this is a story I need to hear. There's a reason I went to the hospital three times before I finally had Elizabeth. As much as I love the IDEA of a homebirth, there was no way I was going to have one!

mandyland said...

Thanks! This was one of those things that just popped fully formed into my head the second I read the prompt. LOVE it when that happens.

mandyland said...

You post really read like part of a novel. I'd love to read more about your characters. You showed us a little snapshot, but I couldn't help but wonder if there was a larger story trying to build.

Thanks for reading mine. :)

Yuliya said...

oh yes I did, thanks for clearing that up!

Lydia said...

Love the tone of this- and I really like the characters, this makes me want to know more about them. (Talk about life giving water, love your take on the prompt :)

ErinMargolin said...

oh wow...i was enthralled from the beginning. the bridge---holy cow. i can't wait for part II. i blew through reading this and it certainly didn't seem like 600 words! way to go!

mandyland said...

Thanks! I've really enjoyed continuing the story over the last few weeks. It makes it a bit more challenging to work the prompt in. :)

Parentingadabsurdum said...

Part two, part two please!!!

Sarcasm Goddess said...

You established the tension at the beginning and built it throughout. I think you should wait and post part 2 now. I can't wait until Friday!

I too had trouble with the word limit on this one (but then, I usually do).

(Florida) Girl with a New Life said...

Yikes! What a cliffhanger. Well done. I hope her friend know something about birthin' babies.

mandyland said...

Coming soon! (Like Friday.)

mandyland said...

I can count on two fingers the number of times I've stuck within the limit. ;)

Thanks for reading!

mandyland said...

Why, Miss Scarlett, I don't think she knows NOTHIN' about birthin' babies.