Cirque Du Madre

I lay next to Elizabeth, her soft hands clutching my boobs, her leg thrown over mine, her body warmly snuggled against me.  It's dark in her room.  The white noise of the radio drowns out the sound of traffic and mutes Chad's rumble as he reads a bedtime story to Joseph. I wait for a moment until Elizabeth's breaths deepen with sleep. Slowly, so very slowly, I lift her hands from my chest and gently lay them on the bed.  I ease my leg out from under hers, supporting her foot and then lowering it softly to the bed.

Inch by inch, I turn until I'm on my back, freezing in place when she makes a sound.  She rolls to her back and continues to sleep.  My stomach muscles quiver as I sit up on the edge of the bed and slide ever so ungracefully off, landing in a practiced crouch next to the dog.

Maggie snorts as I start to step past her. I whip my head to the bed and freeze in mid-step. Elizabeth continues to sleep on.  I make my way on cat feet to the door where I pray that Chad has turned off the hall light.  This night, luck is with me and I open the door into darkness. I swiftly and silently slip out the door and close it.  I take a deep breath and start to straighted my clothes.

Behind me, I hear Elizabeth cry out and then cry harder as she realizes she's alone.  I sigh and poke my head into Joseph's room.

"Chad?"

"I'll go in."

"Thanks."  I go in to see Joseph, finish his story, tuck him in and then wander out into the living room and wait for Chad to make his escape.

Wise friends once told us that, in child rearing, you either pay now or pay later. With Joseph, we used that phrase like a mantra.  When he was just a couple months old, we started putting him down for bed while he was awake.  No sleep aids for our little man!  Just Mommy and Daddy gently shushing, kissing and laying him down.  By the time he was six months, he easily and without fuss put himself to sleep whenever we laid him down.

Then we had Elizabeth. 

First was the white noise. I'd never realized how very loud Joseph was.  I'd also never before realized how very echo-y our house is. Every time Elizabeth went to sleep, Joseph would laugh or call for one of us, waking Elizabeth.  So, we turned the radio to static.

Then, she hated her crib. Hated being in there with a passion.  We'd gently lay her down and she'd fuss and cry and not sleep.  We put away her crib and let her sleep on the queen size bed in her room.  Yes. She has a queen size bed. To herself.

The coup de grace came when she was four months old. I was tired. So very, very tired. She was fussing and cranky and finally, in desperation, I lay on her bed with her and nursed her until she fell asleep.

Exhausted, I told Chad, "I don't care! I'll just pay later."

Well, now it's later.

Our little 16-month-old who is eminently capable of sleeping on her own will not sleep without a bed buddy.  She's not horribly picky. While she would prefer me - or, rather, my boob - she'll snuggle up to Daddy just as well.

Every night, we become performers in the Cirque Du Madre, contorting ourselves getting out of her bed. And every night, I swear that tomorrow I will start "sleep training".

And every night, she smiles her sleepy little smile, snugs tightly next to me, clutching me in her growing little fists and I whisper to myself...

"Tomorrow."

Do you pay now or later?