One of the best pieces of advice I've received as a mom was given to me by my therapist.
What? I live in California. Of course I have a therapist. I actually have two.
Because I'm an overachiever.
We're working on that.
This wise woman, after listening to me freak out about everything that I was doing wrong with baby Joseph, finally said, "Look. Your son's probably going to end up in therapy no matter what you do." She paused while I gasped in protest, horror and dismay. There was quite a bit of gasping. She held up her hand, "But...your job as a mother is to make sure that he's not talking to someone because of severe neglect or abuse. Just run of the mill my mother drives me crazy stuff."
In one instant, that one piece of advice freed me of the majority of guilt I carried because I wasn't the Perfect Mother. I was able to take step back and look at what I was doing. And you know, the view from back there wasn't nearly as frantic. A lot of those questions that used to have me scrambling for Google or calling other mothers are now a lot easier to answer for myself.
Am I doing everything I conceivably can to encourage their intellectual and physical development? Probably not. But we're having fun. And they're doing just fine.
Are they watching too much TV? We're just going to call it educational and leave it at that. It's a losing battle and there's no prize if I win.
How many Nutri Grain bars should one baby eat? I don't worry about it until I'm counting boxes rather than bars.
It doesn't mean I care less, it means that I have the energy and the time to care more. To care about the big questions. Questions like...
What type of values are we instilling in our children?
Are we teaching them to be accepting and kind?
Are we remembering that they only have one childhood?
Who is going to have The Talk with them? (One, two, three...not it! Sorry Chad. You should read my blog.)
I'm not saying I don't have my moments of panic when I freak out and put the family on a path towards extremism. Because I do. Quite often, actually. And I'm not saying that after our session I went home and took the Excel spreadsheets off the cabinet doors.
What? I haven't told you about the spreadsheets? Hmmm...note to self: Share the spreadsheets.
But I did go home and, for the first time in a long time, relaxed. I know I'm going to make mistakes. I know I've already made mistakes. I just have to keep them small.
I can do that.
9 comments:
Oh yes, learning to let go of perfectionism. That’s a hard one. I want so badly for everything to be secure, comfortable and wonderful in my kids’ world, down to their meals and matching socks. (Today, my daughter wore a rainbow-striped sock and a purple sock because I cannot figure out where all the rest of them disappeared to.) Anyway, it’s a big issue that I think a lot of us struggle with. I even wrote a post on "Superwoman Syndrome" myself (http://www.mommycribnotes.com/2010/06/superwoman-syndrome.html). You want to join my support group?
I'm all for joining your support group. I'll just put an addendum to it and say that I'll learn to fold fitted sheets when I'm 60.
Oh Mandy!!! I can't even BEGIN to describe how much I love you after reading this post. I am such a TYPE A personality. I can't help myself. And it was such a hard adjustment for me realzing when I became a mom that I just wasn't going to do it perfectly. Or what's more, that I was already confused and making mistakes.
I hate parenting books that make you feel like if you could just get your ducks in a row, you could TOTALLY have tantrum-free meals and bedtime routines. It's just a pipe dream. And I'm with you. I love my kids. I care more about enjoying them than I do about having a spotless house. We play, we have fun together.
But sometimes I lose my cool and I get irritable even when I know it's not a national emergency that the stuffed animal collection was found taking in a bath in the jacuzzi/toilet. And yes, we watch too much tv. And eat too many Nutrigrain bars. (Hey, they count as dinner SOMETIMES right?) But all in all, I think I'm doing an okay job and my kids are growing up to be loving sweet boys. Thank you for this beautiful, hilarious, and very very honest post. We need more moms speaking the truth like this out there. We really really do!
Oh Mandy!!! I can't even BEGIN to describe how much I love you after reading this post. I am such a TYPE A personality. I can't help myself. And it was such a hard adjustment for me realzing when I became a mom that I just wasn't going to do it perfectly. Or what's more, that I was already confused and making mistakes.
I hate parenting books that make you feel like if you could just get your ducks in a row, you could TOTALLY have tantrum-free meals and bedtime routines. It's just a pipe dream. And I'm with you. I love my kids. I care more about enjoying them than I do about having a spotless house. We play, we have fun together.
But sometimes I lose my cool and I get irritable even when I know it's not a national emergency that the stuffed animal collection was found taking in a bath in the jacuzzi/toilet. And yes, we watch too much tv. And eat too many Nutrigrain bars. (Hey, they count as dinner SOMETIMES right?) But all in all, I think I'm doing an okay job and my kids are growing up to be loving sweet boys. Thank you for this beautiful, hilarious, and very very honest post. We need more moms speaking the truth like this out there. We really really do!
Ahmen, sister!! So glad to be a part of Mandyland!
I probably never told you this but when my family started with the feelings doctor this summer, your comment about having a therapist (two!) and it being no big deal made a huge difference. HUGE.
Im glad you know what kind of imperfectly awesome mama you are.
Thanks for being so honest.
@Alex@LateEnough
I'm so glad. You know...it's funny. If we say that we're going to the doctor to get an annual exam, we're applauded for being proactive about our health. But when we say that we're seeing a feelings doctor (love that) people instantly start hiding the knives.
I decided long ago that my mental health was important enough to get an annual check up or six or twelve.
Glad you're here!
Wait. All the stuffed animals in the toilet is NOT an National Emergency?! Damn. There goes my FEMA funding...
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