Worst Case Scenario Guidebook

I've decided that I could write the Worst Case Scenario Guidebook - Mother's Edition.  I constantly obsess about things like being able to pull myself up if I ever find myself hanging over a bridge after being chased by an insane killer.  Or being able to kick down a door if I hear my child screaming for help.  Or escaping from a locked trunk if I'm carjacked.  Or fending off a bear attack while hiking.  Or escaping LA in case of alien attack.  (And yes.  I know I don't actually live in LA, but we do visit on occassion.)  Or saving my child if he or she jumps into a raging river.  Or...I think you get the point.

Needless to say, Chad thinks I'm paranoid.  I prefer "prepared".

Last night, as my husband lay next to me, nearly asleep, I started shaking the bed.

"Earthquake!!"

"Wha-?" he said sleepily.

"I'm doing an earthquake drill.  We're having an earthquake.  What. Do. You. Do?"

"Are we really having an earthquake?"

"No.  This is just a drill."

"Oh.  Um.  I go get the kids and stand in a doorway."

"Which kid first?"

"Um.  Elizabeth?"

"WRONG!  Remember?  In my Disaster Preparedness Plan, Section 3, you go get Joseph and I grab Elizabeth.  We meet at the doorways in the hall."

"Okay," he mumbled, already half asleep again.

I waited a few minutes, not sure if he really understood that we're supposed to prepare for these things.  Then...

"FIRE!"

He rolled over and put his arms around me.  "Go to sleep, baby."

Too bad he stopped me.  Next on the list was the Home Invasion Drill.  Then again, it's probably a good thing that I didn't hand him a baseball bat...