"No, baby. You'll still need your booster."
"Why? I'll be eight and I weigh more than 80 pounds and you said the law was eight-years-old and 80 pounds."
"Wait. What?"
The simple conversation was a punch. This is my baby...
My baby who was tested by the NICU in his car seat to be sure he could breath properly before we brought him home.
My baby who I checked and double checked every time I buckled him into his seat.
My baby for whom I researched the safest car seats, giving up dinners out for two months to make sure he had the best.
My baby who learned the phrase "nipple to nipple" to help his forgetful father to remember where the buckles go.
My baby who was so proud when he could buckle himself in on his own.
My baby who thrilled at the freedom from a five point harness when he moved to a booster.
My baby who, according to California State Law, will be able to ride in a car without a booster or a car seat for the first time in his life.
I don't know why it's hitting me so hard. Perhaps it's because in my mind, he's still a little baby sleeping on my chest, tucked close to my heart.
Every year I beg time to stand still. I cling so tightly to my little loves and hope, somehow, to bottle up every moment, every frustration, every wish, every smile, every kiss. But time, horrible steady time, moves forward and leaves me grasping at ghosts.
I love who Joseph is becoming. His gentle, sweet nature is showing itself in the way he cares for his sister, the way he tells me he thinks he's going to be a great dad someday, and the way he rubs my back as I tear up at the end of Frozen. He's curious, wanting to explore in deeper ways, our world. He's creative, cheerful, clever, and oh so funny.
I said goodbye to him today, kissing him and giving him a hug. It's the most painful part of splitting my time with them. I can't help but remember the day he was born, struggling to make sense of motherhood while my baby was kept in another room, apart from me. I can't help but remember the blurry Polaroid photos the nurses taped to my tray as inspiration to walk to the wheelchair that would take me to the NICU. I can't help but remember being discharged and told to go home, to take a shower, to sleep a little before coming back. The painful separation as we drove away without our baby, the tears that fell unchecked as I walked into the empty house is mirrored in a way as I sit in silence and look at pictures of his special day today.
It's good that he gets to celebrate with both Chad and I. It's good that he has time with me and then time with his dad. It's good that we can overlap that time to sing and give gifts.
Still...watching him drive away without a booster seat, a huge smile on his face as he waved out the window, I can't help but feel the older he gets the more often those goodbyes will come.
He's amazing, that boy of mine.
But how could he possibly be eight?
4 comments:
Oh... I understand this feeling. Lydia stayed with us this past week. She'll be 11 in July. She's almost 5 foot, long, skinny legs, and this visit she rode in the front seat. I'm so used to looking over my shoulder at her seated in the back, right hand seat. Wow! It goes by so fast! Loved the pics of Joseph & the camping party - was that for Elizabeth? Or Joseph? Loved those tents.
Sticking kids, getting bigger.
CJ is now in a booster, but I start looking for the damn straps every time I put him in, as if, somehow, he had willed them away -- I get mad when I can't find the buckle between his legs . . . and then I realize "oh, yeah, he's growing up."
oh my goodness, I loved every word of this and felt the complete disbelief with you. It's so much fun (and so interesting) to watch our children grow from babies to young people but there are moments that stop my heart.
reading this I thought we're so far from this and the realized it's only 2 years and 20 lbs..and again I stopped and thought about how fast our lives are passing in years.
he is handsome, funny, interesting and luckily always going to be your baby boy, no matter where he sits in the car.
HAPPY BIRTH day to you Mandy and Happy Happy 8 to Joseph. 8 is great. :)
Wait. You're telling me my kid won't need a booster in LESS THAN A YEAR?
How does this happen?
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