I never got into the whole Twilight books phenomenon. Of course, I'd have to be dead - or undead, as the case may be - to not know the basics of the whole Edward/Bella/Jacob love triangle.
Last summer, I finally watched Twilight. It sucked. No pun intended. I'm sorry, I just don't understand what a 150-ish year old vampire would see in a teenage girl. Now, don't get me wrong. I adore vampire novels and am currently reading four different series. I watch True Blood every Sunday. I'm completely capable of suspending reality enough to watch a movie about vampires. Even vampires that sparkle in the sun.
In my reading, I have to accept the fact that a 500-1000-year-old vamp would be attracted to, fall in love with, and spend eternity with a woman a fraction of his age. But most of the books I read feature heroines in the late 20's at the least.
But a teenager? Really? And then, let not forget the apparent continuous attendance in high school. High school! Seems more like the seventh circle of hell, to me.
Needless to say, it killed the tiny, itty-bitty idea that I should read the book. But, sadly, now I have to watch the rest of the movies. It's a personality flaw.
Today, while the kids were down for their naps, I watched New Moon.Oh good God.
I started giggling through the first fifteen minutes.
Bella, at 18 is worried about getting old. She actually falls for her dad's lame joke about gray hair. She's 18, people!
Edward stares tragically off into the distance. Bella approaches cautiously. They share what must be the most chaste kiss since 1940's cinema.
I gathered that Bella wants to be a vamp, while Edward doesn't want to take her soul. Not to worry! Our girl declares, "If this is about my soul, take it! I don't want it!" Because, you know, it's every teenage girl's dream to be soulless.
Edward loves Bella. He loves Bella so much that he leaves her. Because it's the only way to keep her safe from??? And Bella loves Edward so much that she completely stops living. Months go by with her pining away. Her father has the only insightful line in the whole movie: "This just isn't normal." No...it's not normal. It's called co-dependence. Call me silly, call me unromantic, but as much as I love and adore my husband, I could live without him. I want him in my life. I don't need him in my life. Love, to me, is about two wholes making a bigger whole. I'm not half a person when I'm not in a relationship. Bella is borderline catatonic without Edward.
But not to worry! There's the hottie in the cut off jeans down the road. She uses him, as so many young girls use the "nice" guy. "Umm, like, could you fix these bikes so I can risk my life and see Edward?" Not much different than that girl who dated Chad so he could help her move and then broke up with him for the bad boy ex.
But I digress and miss the most annoying factor: cut-off jean shorts.
Wrong. So very wrong.
But, I totally get all the chicks fanning their faces when Jacob takes off his shirt for the gazillionth time to reveal not a six-pack, but a 24-pack. Let's just ignore the fact that he's only 17.
Let's see...drama, hotties, bad acting, angst, yada, yada, yada...oh yes! The climatic scene...
Alice shows up and says, "Bella! You're not dead?" Because she thought Bella was dead and came to identify the body? Hook up with Bella's dad? Not quite certain there. "Oh no, Alice! I was just cliff diving for fun." And because in my immaturity I wanted to do something totally dangerous so Edward would worry about me.
"Oh no! I told Edward that you're dead and now he's going to commit suicide by cop." (Or Volatari.) And off they rush to Italy. Are there no cell phones? "Hey Edward. It's Alice. Bella's not dead." "Cool. Won't try to get myself killed then."
Although, come to think of it, Bella's no dummy. Free trip to Italy!
But the worst, the absolute worst part was the end...
"Edward, I want to be with you for eternity."
"Only if you marry me."
"Gasp!" Bella looks uncertain and shocked. I guess being with someone for eternity is totally not as much a commitment as marriage.
Actually, a hot body does sub for dialogue.
5 comments:
you should be a movie critic! and get paid for your great writing!! seriously - I love that you put it on paper (er, blog) and let 'er rip!
stay cool...
You are really good, Mandy! I am a serious Twilight fan and you have to understand that movies really, really do suck. They are *terrible*. Even "Eclipse" which is the best of the bunch, had pretty awful acting. But read the books and you will have an insight you simply can't get on film. I was SO in love with the books, I watched the movies more than once so that I could be transported (even artificially) into that world again.
I hated the Harry Potter movies, too. I stopped watching after the 5th movie. And I have read the books easily about 3 times each (those are big honkin' books, too!)
So give it a chance, girl! Stop wasting time on the films and start reading!!!
Mandy, I cannot believe I am saying this to you of all people, READ THE BOOKS! Yes the Movies suck, but they suck less if you read the books. You actually get all the "angst" and reason for the cut offs!
READ MANDY, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD READ!!! :)
<3 ya!
Chris - I'm so glad you think I'm cool. :D
Trisha & Katrina - I do realize that the books are ALWAYS better than the movies, BUT...and here's a big but, even working with the average book to movie degeneration, I thinking I'd end up throwing them against the wall.
Far better to be snarky on my blog. :D
Oh dear...You really should have read the book first. I'm going to have to go line by line here....and I feel bad about that. (And, for the record, Trisha's right - The movies suck. No dispute from me on that point)
Edward is drawn to Bella because her scent is intoxicating to him. The fact that he falls in love with her is completely beside the point. That's what makes it a love story for goodness sake.
She is only so concerned about getting old because Edward is 17. He died of Spanish Influenza when he was 17 years old and she is tragically afraid of being "older" than Edward by more than a year or two.
He leaves her to protect her from the vampires he is surrounded by. They ARE, after all, blood suckers. Jasper tried to kill her for goodness sake. In the first book, she was nearly killed because of her involvement with him. He really is trying to protect her.
Jacob is in love with Bella. She only uses him at first - then she legitimately enjoys his company and doesn't want to be away from him. He is her sunshine.
They can't just CALL Edward - Didn't you see him smash his cell phone after ROSALIE called and told him that Bella was dead? It wasn't Alice that did it for goodness sake. She came back to Forks because she had seen Bella go over the cliff in a vision - She couldn't be sure of it's significance until she actually saw the place in person. It's difficult to explain, but I think I've done a right fanastic job trying.
Bella is not afraid of the commitment of marriage. She is afraid of what her mother (and others) will think of her for getting married at such a young age. She wants to be with him forever, but marriage at such a young age is simply embarassing to her.
There, have I shown what an absolute DORK I am? I've read the series four times and I cannot stress enough how much the movies leave out. They never really should have even made the movie. 75% of the book is Bella's inner monologue and struggles with herself. That cannot be captured properly in a movie and, therefore, the story is lost.
I'm done now. Continue with your life.
Post a Comment