The Mommy Wars

Before I had children, I looked at Mommies as members of a club. They paid their dues in labor pains, sleepless nights, worry and lack of stomach muscles. Since having children, I have joined this club and have to say, for the most part the other members are wonderful, sympathetic women. But there are times when the Mommy Club turns into the Mommy Wars.

I could write about the Looks when you mention your child had a bottle while around breastfeeding mothers or the Rolled Eyes when you mention you breastfeed around formula mommies. I could write about the Battle of Binky or the Vaccine Conflict. But today, I'm going to write about the most insidious of all weapons: The Backhanded Brag.

All mothers are guilty of thinking their angels are gifts from God and the most perfect creatures to grace this earth. (Because they are.) Most mothers are guilty of boring childless friends to tears with accounts of Little Johnny's new words. Some mothers are convinced their child is the next Einstein, the next Kobe, the next Michael Phelps.

But the Backhand Brag...now that's a sight to behold. It goes a little something like this...

"Okay Mommies! Let's go around the room and introduce ourselves and our child. Tell the group what your little one loves right now."

"My name is Jane and this is Stella. Stella loves singing the alphabet and playing with her color blocks." Little Stella looks on, drool dripping down her 18-month-old chin.

"My name is Marcy and this is little Jimmy. Jimmy loves reading and playing piano. His favorite book is A Midsummer's Night Dream." Jimmy sits eating a leaf.

Around and around the room it goes, each claim getting larger and larger until finally it gets to us. Following a mother who claims her daughter just discovered a new subset of insects...

"My name is Mandy and this is my son Joseph and daughter Elizabeth. Joseph loves dumping his toys on the floor for me to clean up and Elizabeth loves to drool."

Because, you know, sometimes you've just got to keep it real.